In April of 2016, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I’d been suffering from it my entire adult life, but didn’t become fully aware of what I was struggling with until a couple years ago. This is supposed to be a post about “How I’ve Been” for those who haven’t heard from me in a while (most everyone), but this info is pretty important context for everything going forward.
To recap, straight out of high school I went to San Diego State University, leaving after 1 year because of a bad depressive episode spring semester and me not being mature enough to handle independence. After coming back to the bay area, I worked grocery and food service jobs while trying and failing to push my way through Community College. On a whim, at 295 lbs., I decide I’m going to get in shape to play for College of Alameda’s basketball team. For perhaps the last time in my life, at age 21, I felt good about myself and optimistic for my future. I dropped 45 pounds, lifted more weights than I ever had before, and actually accomplished my goal of making the team. I was a (Junior) College Basketball player. This lasted 4 games into the regular season, at which point I quit the team because I was missing classes and practices and failing to get out of bed most days. Then my life essentially paused. I got a job working the graveyard shift at the grocery store I used to work at, ballooned up to 360-plus pounds, and thus detonated the last bits of social life I had. Coaching basketball at my old high-school during these 5 years was the only thing I had to look positively on, to keep me going.
At 26 I decided I needed to go back to school, and that forced to me to give up coaching. I still miss it. In one of the darkest periods of my life, it was the one thing that gave me worth. With a renewed focus on school, I was able to finish community college and transfer to San Diego State (again!). Where as at 18 I wasn’t mature enough to handle being away from home, I decided on San Diego again because at 28 I needed to get as far away from home as possible (while still paying in-state tuition of course). After a solid start, a string of lazy, irresponsible decisions, made all the worse by horribly timed depression episodes, left me early this year dead broke and at the end. I never got to any type of planning, but I found myself brainstorming potential suicide options more than once.
After finally gaining a tiny glimmer of clarity, I started to put myself together a bit. Since the end of March I’ve been working two jobs to pay my bills and all the various debts I owe. The one positive side effect that came with my depression was a complete unwillingness to eat. I atrophied down to 330 pounds, and then working two jobs with no disposable income helped me get to the roughly 295 I’m at now. So if you’re scoring at home, the three keys to effective weight loss are 1) Be Too Depressed To Eat 2) Be Too Poor To Eat 3) Be Too Busy To Eat.
And that basically catches us up to now. I’m managing much better, my medication has been properly adjusted and the strict routine of working so many hours has kept me focused and disciplined. I’m not currently in school but will be back in class in the Spring, and I will be working both jobs for a while. I’m essentially back to the “Old Andy”. I’m the same loud, outwardly joyful, incorrigible smart-ass that’s been driving people up the wall for years. But that guy has always been melancholy at his core. So don’t be bothered by any “dark jokes” I may make. They’re not cries for help. If anything they’re therapeutic.
Also, I want to write more. Which is why we’re here.
I want this to be an essentially unfiltered place for my writing. I want to workshop different forms and ideas and styles, to branch out and sharpen my muscles (how many metaphors did I mix just there?). Basically, there’s a good chance a lot of what is to come isn’t good, but it’ll be honest and my best effort, and that’s the best I can offer.
I appreciate the click.
